That shit was highly entertaining.
Taking care of a sick toddler sucks. I have to keep a fucking smile on my face the whole day, meanwhile I’m so nervous that he’s not going to eat or drink/blow chunks/start crying/develop a higher fever/suddenly drop dead. Now I’m completely strung out, looking at WWE on my muted bedroom tv. I’m emotionally numb and exhausted. I tried to get a little children’s advil into his face because he had a fever. I had to hold him down while he screamed. I felt like such an asshole. You can’t tell a sick toddler, “this will make you feel better. Mommy loves you and there’s nothing to be afraid of.”
I should get drunk. But all I have are those tiny mini-bar bottles of vodka in my fridge. Why are those even in my fridge?
I fucking hate “lol.” You could legitimately say something funny and/or intelligent and then completely kill it by adding an LOL. Why did it get popular in the first place? Are people so paranoid that their comments will be misconstrued that they have to add it? “OMG, your little one looked so cute with chocolate birthday cake all over his face! It looked like he took a bath in cake, lol!” Fucking hell.
If you’re worried what people will think, don’t fucking write it. Also, if you’re afraid your friends won’t get it then your friends might be stupid so you should get some new friends. Or maybe you’re stupid! Either way, stop using it.
Here’s a fun puzzle. Which is the real quote from Stephen Hawking?
“I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.”
“I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road, lol!”
The last 30 seconds consisted of a princess emerging naked from a funeral pyre covered in ash and holding several baby dragons. People, that is deep, DEEP in the Dork Forest. I like to fancy myself more of a nerd than a dork, yet I found myself pumping my fist, shouting, “yeah, dragons!”
When I first brought her home she was all “love me love me and I’ll love you in return! It’s a win win!” Then it turned into, “umm, excuse me, pet me?” Now at fucking 4am she goes screaming around the apartment. I once thought it was because she was hungry. No. She wanted me to get up and PET HER. I thought I was insecure, but, Christ, that’s some issues right there. Sometimes I have trouble using more erudite words like “irony” or “narcissism” correctly. I’ve felt like a sad clown at parties before, trying to sound smart. But I’d say my cat has a narcissist complex. Or some shit like that.